


"The Gang Gets Sober"

by Queenscene2



Series: It's Always Sunny on Planet Arus (Dotu Crack Fics) [9]
Category: Voltron: Lion Force (1984)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcoholics Anonymous, Crack, Gen, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Underage Drinking, like actual crack cocaine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:08:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27413242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queenscene2/pseuds/Queenscene2
Summary: Coran sends the pilots to AA after a night of partyingA crack fic
Relationships: mentions of Keith/Sven, mentions of Sven/Romelle
Series: It's Always Sunny on Planet Arus (Dotu Crack Fics) [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1825153
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	"The Gang Gets Sober"

**Author's Note:**

> ***this is a crack fic. Do not take anything seriously***
> 
> I've been rewatching Jersey Shore (idk why also don't judge) and I spat this out enjoy.
> 
> Notes:  
> Random girl with short purple hair = 80sGayTrashGoblin

"WHOOO!" Hunk screamed as he poured a cup of Vodka over his head. The five pilots were in the lounge dancing to really terrible royalty-free EDM music that Lance had pirated. Even tight-laced Keith was on his fifth Irish coffee. Allura was dancing up against some random girl with short purple hair (not sure how she got in) on the coffee table and Pidge was screaming "TO THE BATMOBILE!" over and over again and running in place. Lance was on the couch singing along with the song (the song had no lyrics by the way) and Keith was laughing at all of the scene before him.

The pilots and that random girl were having fun clubbing in the lounge, until the EDM music stopped abruptly. "Oh, what?" Lance slurred. Coran was glaring at the group, with the chord in his hand.

"This constant drinking and dancing ends now!" Coran announced. "You all have been non-stop drinking and partying. Enough is enough! Two planets have been taken over by Zarkon during these past few days and you all didn't save them. You are here to be defenders of the universe!"

The room was silent for a moment. Hunk then burped, breaking it. The pilots laughed.

Coran shook his head. "That does it, you all are going to Alcoholics Anonymous. Tomorrow!" He announced. "Welp, I'm out of here." The random girl with purple hair said, getting up from Allura's lap. "Later bitches." She then proceeded to smash the large window in the lounge with her body and fall two stories.

The pilots started laughing again. "TO THE WINDOOOOWWWWWWWWW TO THE WALL!" sang Hunk loudly. Everyone else started to sing the song with Hunk at the top of their lungs. Coran just shook his head and walked out.

~

The four guys waited around for Allura outside of the place where the AA meeting was being held. Allura was late. "I hope this isn't a waste of time. I have things to do." Keith scoffed. Lance grinned to himself. "I hope the AA person is some hot girl." He said dreamily. Hunk burped again. "I think I'm gonna be sick." Pidge nodded. "I feel that."

Keith looked around. "Where the hell is Allura?" he asked angrily.

The other pilots shrugged. "She told us that she would meet us here." Lance said.

"PARTY'S HERE!" they heard someone yell. The boys saw Allura stumble toward them. 

"Allura, what the hell! Did you...pregame an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting?!" Keith asked.

Allura nodded and fell slightly to her left. "Yeah? How else am I gonna get through this?!" She slurred. Keith didn't respond.

~

After a few minutes, the door to the room opened. The five walked into to see-

"SVEN?!" Hunk cried. "Is that you?!" He came over and gave him a high five. "Hello! Come on in everyone and have a seat." he said. The five looked at each other all confused, but they sat down in the circle of chairs anyway.

"So, what the hell are you doing here?" Lance questioned.

"I'm your AA leader." Sven said triumphantly.

The five laughed. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" Pidge said, leaning back in his chair and falling backwards out of it. 

"It is not!" Sven cried defensively. Lance crossed his arms. "Why? Life on Pollux boring with Romelle or somethin'?"

Sven sighed. "No, it's part of my community service." he responded.

"What did you do?" Hunk asked.

Sven grew red. "I got a DUI..." he muttered. He cleared his throat and sat down. "Anyways, let's begin, shall we?" he said. He pulled out a clipboard from under his chair and clicked his pen.

"I'm schizophrenic." Allura announced loudly. 

Sven furrowed his brows at her. "This is Alcoholics Anonymous, not therapy." he informed her. Allura sighed. "Oh god, I'm so sorry." she said. "I'm just so fucking drunk."

Sven shook his head. "Anyways, let's talk about why you guys have been drinking a lot. What's going on? Are you guys stressed or-?"

"You said this wasn't therapy." Keith asked. Sven looked at him. "Oh, no. Uh, I was just wondering."

"Screw that shit, I wanna know about you and Keith." Lance said smirking. "Wasn't _that_ a drunk love affair or something more?" The rest of the group ooed except for Allura who was asleep.

Keith blushed furiously and Sven stuttered over his words.

"T-That was one time! A-And uh...we weren't planning on doing it again." Keith answered. "Can we just focus please? We are here to spill our worries and intimate thoughts onto Sven-"

"Not therapy." Sven repeated quietly. Keith ignored him and continued. "So, when I was little...like, my dad told me that I had to play piano AND violin because those were two instruments were the Kogane specialty but I HATED it. To this day, playing the violin makes me cringe a little. That bastard..." 

Sven rubbed his eyes. "Just...please tell me things pertaining to your team's alcohol problems, Keith." 

Keith scowled. "We don't have an alcohol problem. We just...like to get drunk...a lot." 

There was a sharp inhale that filled the room as Allura woke up. "Did somebody say alcohol? I want alcohol. Can i get some alcohol?" she looked down at Pidge. Pidge nodded and snuck her a mini Jack Daniels that he had in his shirt. 

Sven saw this immediately. "No! No no no." he said reaching over and grabbing the bottle from Allura's hand. 

She spat at him. Like, literally hacked up a loogie. "Whatever. I wanted a Smirnoff bottle anyways." Lance's eyes lit up. "I could go for some shots and some dancing right now." he announced. "We should do that after we're done here." Everyone nodded and started talking all at once.

Sven sat down again and tried to regain control of the room. "People! People! We are here to talk about your alcoholism, so shut the hell up, or I'll MAKE you shut the hell up." he screamed. The pilots quieted down. Allura blew out a exasperated raspberry and put her legs up on the arm of her chair.

"So, let's go around the room and brainstorm some ways to fight your drinking urges." he said. "Who-"

"BLOWING UP STUFF!" Pidge said standing on his chair. Sven made a face at him. "Okay? Maybe we can think of a less violent solution?" 

"Drinking!" Allura said. The rest of the guys nodded. "Oh! Good one, Princess!" Hunk said. 

Sven nodded. "Yes, maybe instead of drinking alcohol, you can replace it with soda." 

Allura gave him a look. "I _meant_ resisting the urge to drink BY drinking alcohol, dumbass." she said. She leaned back in her chair. 

Sven just sighed.

~

All throughout the morning, Sven had tried to get the pilots on the straight and narrow, but failed. Allura threw up twice, Lance started talking in detail of all of the women he slept with, Keith started crying over his own daddy issues, Pidge left during the meeting somehow, and Hunk fell asleep.

Sven finally had had enough. "I can't do this! You guys are hopeless!" he said. The rest of the pilots stood there and stared at him. Sven rubbed his eyes. "I tried to get you guys to stop drinking like Coran told me to, cause I don't want to be placed on house arrest, but I guess I will now!" He sighed. "Whatever. I'm out of here."

Lance stood up. "Hey wait!" Sven turned around and crossed his arms. "What, Lance?" he said crankily. 

"I know you're stressed and all...and sorry about that, but-"

"Stressed?! STRESSED?!" Sven screamed. "You bastards collectively shedded 10 years off of my life!"

"Holy shit, Sven." Keith muttered.

Lance got up and held out his hands. "I know, I know. We're sorry...but...hear me out." Sven raised his eyebrows expectantly.

"Do you...want to come to Bullseye with us? Tonight's Long Island night." 

Sven threw up his hands, but then paused. "You know what? A long island tea sounds good right now." He smiled and the group cheered and walked out of the meeting room. "I'll even drive!" Sven said enthusiastically. The five cheered again.

And so, the six headed over to bullseye and danced the night away, getting absolutely shitfaced.

A good end to a non-productive day.

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't as funny as I wanted it to be. Oh well


End file.
